The smoke alarm is not your dinner bell (color)

Wherein our intrepid author teaches us many valuable lessons in cooking, having watched more than one grown man sit in hunger until his mama cooked a sirloin in the skillet. Hard to imagine. Even a little peanut butter on bread would have been beyond the one boy's ability, and he was already married. Why his long suffering spousal unit never popped some sense in that thick noggin of his remains a mystery to us all, but she never did, at least not that anyone ever knew.
So here is an offering to the universe, something to preclude unnecessary starvation. Really! How hard can it be to slap some mayo and ham between two slices of bread, white, whole wheat, or otherwise? Or better, open a can of beer and a bag of chips? With very little added gumption, we can even slide into actually dropping a pan on the stove, if not a pan in the oven, bringing up the heat, and having something warm and good for dins. Think buttered toast with grape jelly or something.